2011
Chellie
My long-dead mother visited me on Thursday. Not as a ghost or in a dream but through your comments. I could feel her reach through the page and lay her hand on mine as I read with trepidation each of the words you left behind.
This is a miracle. Yes, I’ve experienced my mother’s support in the past and even felt her brush against me a time or two. But this time, this time...it was different. This time she came back to life through Chellie.
As I read how Chellie would not forgive Iyanla until she apologized to me, I sobbed. She was demanding more from Iyanla than I ever dared do. She demanded a rightness in the world, a fairness, that I have never known, or felt I deserved.
I learned way to young that life isn't fair and here was a woman, my friend, demanding more from it. Yes, I get that fairness is virtually impossible since what you deem fair and what I deem fair may be miles apart but her willingness to ask for it on my behalf moved me in ways I have rarely known.
Bottom line: She stood for me (right or wrong). She was a mama bear protecting her cub. She wrapped me in her arms and said in a clear powerful voice, "Stop it. Say Your Sorry," to anyone who was hurting me.
In the past, that would have frightened me. It would have signaled 'danger' just as I had been taught growing up. You stand up. You get smacked down. You speak up. You get strangled. You think you can leave. You die. That's the message I learned.
My own mother didn't stand for me after my father wrapped his hands around my neck, when he refused to give me the time of day, when he looked at me with disgust. She didn’t say, “Stop it.” I choose to believe she didn’t know how. She, too, was scared.
When my parents died no one came forward and said, "I will protect the girls, keep the safe, love them." My sisters and I were left to figure out how to grow up on our own. And so I learned no one would ever have my back. I’ve even said those exact words in workshops, to my best friend, to the ethers.
When someone has said those words to me (Thank you Carrie), I have brushed them off as “That’s nice but you don’t mean it. Not really.” And I believed it. Absolutely. Until Chellie. Until her words ripped off a layer of protection that had sealed my heart from ever needing, or wanting, that type of human support.
This is me doing the work of Fearless Living. Sometimes you don’t even know you have a fear until it pops up demanding your attention. Chellie's words wouldn’t let me sleep. They flooded me with tears at every turn. They were opening my heart. Yes, I get they could be seen as unspiritual. Yes, I get you are supposed to forgive and forgive again. But that's not the point.
When I read Chellie’s words it was if my mother had come to life. Chellie was being the mother I know my mother wanted to be. The very human mother I desperately needed. The mother that believed her daughter's words and then stood for her, regardless of what other people thought.
With Chellie's words, the windows of my heart flung open and I was breathing in love and safety as never before. My mother’s love lives and you know what, she has my back.
My mother came alive Thursday as Chellie. And I am deeply grateful.
In the next few days, I will talk about how God was my only source of safety and how it undermined my ability to give and receive human love, how my sister Cindy was scared for me and my take on gossip.
Comments
Brandy
Rhonda,
Thanks for your post! I am so glad there are people out there like Chellie that have your back. It's such a blessing to have someone like that in your life.
When I first read Chellie's comment on your Iyanla post, I thought she was spot on. In fact, she said exactly what I was thinking and wondering about Iyanla during her appearance on Oprah. When I watched the first Oprah episode, I thought to myself, "Is Iyanla doing this now because she thinks maybe she can get back in Oprah's graces and get her own show on OWN?" "Is she just trying to promote her new book?" As a Starting Over fan, I really enjoyed Iyanla on the show and got so much from her. I desperately wanted to give her the benefit of the doubt on Oprah, but was having a very difficult time doing that because she just didn't seem sincere to me.
So, I felt really bad that I thought something like that about Iyanla after seeing the first Oprah. Then, I read your post about your experience with Iyanla and was sorry that things were hard for you at that time. When I read what Chellie wrote, I was glad that I wasn't the only one that thought that.
See, here's the thing... I understand Iyanla was struggling with a lot of pain and personal demons during Starting Over. I know that can take its toll on a person and cause them to behave in ways that they shouldn't. But, that doesn't excuse bad behavior. It can give people around a greater insight into why that person is behaving that way, but it doesn't change the fact that bad behavior is wrong. It doesn't give the person behaving badly a free pass to hurt others in their wake.
When a person really wants to change and make amends for their past behavior, I think they should look at everyone in their past that they mistreated. So, like you said, you may not even be on Iyanla's radar, but you should be. As should everyone else she may have mistreated in her past. Not just Oprah, who could possibly jump-start her career again and who gave her a platform to promote her new book. That's what made me question her sincerity and made it difficult for me to give her the benefit of the doubt.
As for the whole "gossip" thing. I never once looked at your post about Iyanla as gossip. It was written from your heart about your experience with her. I could tell your words were from a forgiving place. I only hope Iyanla sees it and that it can help her make amends in other places besides Oprah.
Robin
When growing in such poison and disregard to a little girl and her broken soul, we don't accept the help/love that someone tries to give us. We don't accept that we are worthy of it or deserving of it. As much healing and work that you have done Rhonda, I' sure u thought in ur heart of hearts that you had gotten through all the layers of pain, abuse, loneliness, grieving, and desperation, put words around them and worked through and faced them. But I believe that God gives us what we need when we need it and we have to peel and peel the layers a bit at a time to really heal and love ourselves through it properly....then and only then when we are ready (w/o knowing it) for the core, it is brought to us.For you in the form of Chellie. I am so proud for you, that you decided to say what U needed to about the Iyanla situation, put it out there set that healing in motion. I ordered two of her books the other day, I canceled that order after reading ur story, because she to me doesn't seem authentic. You Rhonda are Authentic, your mother see's this and is guiding you Rhonda. You aren't healing alone, she has been preparing you for this moment to be able to see her, feel her, see her as the mother she wanted to be, to see that she really has stood up for you...in the only way she new how, or could. I see through ur words, ur actions, and your authenticity that she has stood up for you, by guiding you through this awesome yet tough at times journey. She has stood for and by you helping to open your heart even more than you thought was posable. You do this with such dignity and grace!
The light truly is bigger than the darkness,
Robin
Tara
Rhonda,
Thank you for sharing the last several posts with us. When I first saw you speak at the Radical Women's Conference last year, I wanted to hear what you had to say in part because of where you'd been. I want to keep hearing what you have to say because of the journey you're still traveling--and sharing. Thank you for opening up, even while you're working on it.
See you in DC. :-)
Jan In Florida
Rhonda,
Thank you for sharing with all of us. You have helped so many and are so deserving of the peace and happiness you have made possible for so many. God bless you.
Jan
Lynn
I remember an epi of "Starting Over" where you were doing a practice exercise w one of the house members, specifically to awaken her protective nature re: her own baby.
You pretended to toss the baby a bit and fake smoked on the baby. I noticed that the girl looked absolutely frozen w fear. Everyone could see she wanted to protect but felt completely frozen. You woke her up that day.
Your life's path has led you to her and so many of us who needed to learn that lesson of protection and boundaries. So I celebrate that someone did that for you. *heart Opens*
Anonymous
I am glad you are healing. I just wish it wasn't with such a price.
As a counselor I know that my own personal healing is my own responsibility. I would never lean on one of my clients - although I certainly do learn from them - I keep my own healing out of that arena. It is not appropriate. And then to share that with everyone who is looking towards you for THE RIGHT WORDS - really not appropriate.
Maybe a good counselor would do you a world of good and give you the proper arena to heal so that you can help others more effectively. As counselors we have to remember that it's our job to help - not our clients/followers to help us. We know better. Or at least we should. I hope you can find someone to talk out some of your own healing and come back to us with great insight. All the best to you.
Shari
I'm so happy for you! It's wonderful that you are finding a new depth of healing even with all that you had realized before you wrote about your experience with Iyanla. Thank you for sharing your growth with us. It's yet another inspiring act on your part. It shows us that you're human too, as you work through what you help so many others to work through in their lives. You are an amazing person!
I believe that there is always more to learn, and that allows me to recognize all tough situations as just another chance to learn. I believe that we are all, including myself, equal. We all make mistakes, and therefore it makes sense to forgive others for their's. I could never choose sides, as I see both you, Rhonda, and Iyanla as the wonderful people who you truly are, despite the choices that either of you may have made throughout your lives. I am so very thankful that my husband was able to do that for me. He loved me ANYWAY despite my choices, and I will always love both of you ANYWAY for the light and love that you gifted to the world on Starting Over.
Thank you, Dear Rhonda, for just being who you are. <3
(((HUGS))) Shari