2011
Iyanla and Me
I have received numerous questions regarding Iyanla's appearance on Oprah. People have wanted to know if I watched and what I thought. I haven't shared any of this before yet it seems, as Iyanla and Oprah did this past week, it's time to set my own record straight.
I worked with Iyanla when she was going through the difficulties she shared on Oprah, some of them at least. She was in the midst of her divorce, healing from her daughter's passing (the hardest thing she said) and getting out from under her financial difficulties. I don't know all the intimate details just some. She did confide her version of the talk show debacle with Oprah. I knew it was a hard time in her life.
When Iyanla was making her decision to come to Starting Over for the second season, she called me to discuss it. I was thrilled to hear from her and absolutely excited at the prospect of her joining the show. I mean, this was Iyanla Vanzant calling me! A woman who I had never met personally but who I had admired for years.
We were on phone for almost an hour. I answered every single one of her questions and concerns as well as gladly told her the in's and out's of the show giving her blow-by-blow accounts of what goes on. I thought she would be perfect on Starting Over and I told her so. I got off the phone believing we had a great connection and would be great allies. That was not to be.
Like I said, I had always admired Iyanla. She had, if I remember right, five books out before she became a New York Times Bestseller. That perseverance spoke to me. I had listened to her give the funniest speech I had ever heard at my church. Her ability to connect with a crowd is masterful. I thought of her as a way shower and very much looked forward to working side-by-side.
The Iyanla that I thought I bonded with on the phone was not the Iyanla that showed up to start taping. Iyanla, and this is my perception, walked on the show exhausted, with little to give. She overcompensated with a huge chip on her shoulder that came with a sense of entitlement and yes, what appeared to be a big head (as Oprah astutely asked). Yes, I get that it was just a mask for fear. Yes, I get that she was spinning out of control. Yes, I get that she was trying to protect herself. Yes, I had, and have, deep compassion for her. And on a human level, it was difficult to be the receiver of her rolling eyes, sharp comments and looks of disgust day in and day out.
If she could one up me, she did. If she could get more TV time by walking over my coaching moments, she did. If she could mutter under her breath some put down that no one else could hear but me and the audio people, she did.
This is what happens when we do not take responsibility for our pain. We unleash it on those around us. I believe she was doing the best she could. And her best hurt many people, including me. And, this is the sad part, she never cleaned up after her attacks. Sorry was not part of her vocabulary even when she was called out by the higher ups in production. Even when she was confronted with her behavior.
Because of this, Iyanla has been one of my greatest teachers. My self-esteem, in part, is what it is today because of her. Not because she built it up, but in spite of it. I had to nurture my self-confidence on a daily basis in order to stay centered and on purpose. I had to reach out for support. I had to learn what was mine, and what was hers. I am grateful for that time. It showed me what I was made of, what I valued and what I was capable of achieving.
Do you remember when Oprah said she received Iyanla's letters of apology over the years? One way you know people have changed is their willingness to make amends. Iyanla has not taken responsibility for her actions towards me that, on some days, I'd call emotionally abusive. And yes, I do get that I might not even be on her radar. And that's okay. Maybe she has changed immensely it just hasn't trickled down to me. I pray that is true.
I also realize she doesn't need my forgiveness. Forgiveness is an inside job. I have done the work necessary for me to move beyond it. And more important, I have forgiven her, for my sake, as well as forgiven myself, for my inability to be more enlightened. I mean, I too can be short, inconsiderate and unkind. I too have had moments of less than loving behavior. I know what it feels like to watch yourself have bad behavior and seemingly be incapable of stopping yourself. I get it. I've been there.
Iyanla's perceptions may be wholly different than mine. As Oprah and Iyanla's were. And there is no doubt that she was going through the most challenging time in her life when she was taping Starting Over. And what's also true is she wasn't able to rise above her pain and instead, fear got the better of her. That I have deep compassion for. I have been there as well.
Before I end, I do want to be clear: She did great work on Starting Over. She changed those women's lives. She genuinely cared and worked her butt off. I believe that she just didn't have any more kindness, compassion or respect to give but to the women in that house. And if that was the choice: respect me or respect the women? Then she choose wisely. The women were what mattered and that is what kept me on her side, standing for her work regardless of what was going on behind the camera. She did care about each woman in her tutelage. And if that's all she had to give. So be it.
So do I think she's changed? Do I think her peace is genuine? I hope so. But I also know that she spoke like a sage on camera on Starting Over while at the same time was hurtful to those around her. I hope this time her words match her actions. If they do, I know she has found the peace she seeks. That is what I wish for her. It is what I want to believe is true for her. And bottom line, it doesn't matter what I think or believe. All that matters is what she believes. And she believes she has found peace. So I say, Hallelujah! Preach on Sister! It's in God's hands....
Comments
Anonymous
As I was watching Oprah I had a very hard time believing if Iyanla was being sincere or not. She kept repeating herself to Oprah on the first episode and even though I admire Iyanla, I think she did great work on Starting Over, I loved her books, it saddens me that she didnt take time out for herself before she started a new show and going into your show with that kind of attitude. I think she did know what she was doing for the most part but who am I to judge? Like you Rhonda, I hope she did find the peace and forgiveness in herself.
Lived in Wien!
This confirms what other cast/participants have said about Iyanla.
Anonymous
All I can say is this to the above comment is sometimes it's hard and damm near impossible to get over how we were treated in the past by others - the above blog proves that to be true and yes people can ask about your past relationship and what happened
"Just because they are your friend or family member, does not guarantee support.
No one person can support you in everything.
Complaining advertises your fears.........Forgiveness... is a willingness to get over what you think should have happened and an acceptance of the reality of what actually happened. ~
Now who said that???????
Oh yeah - you did.....
But gotta ask about the 'elephant in the room: - - How do people knowing what happened with you and IV in the past and having that answer to the question - how does that enhance and improve your and their lives?
I see it as curiosity and gossip on their part. Serves no higher purpose - does it? Have I missed a lesson here.
Heidi Bilonick
Thank you for being brave and sharing Rhonda. I know that took courage. I have, as I know you do, a built in BS detector (gifted and honed). And I tell you that, I didn't believe her. That takes a lot because when I started learning about love and coaching, Leo Buscaglia and Iyanla Vanzant were two of my three favorite teachers, third being you. When she spoke, it was as if she was trying to convince herself. I saw that Oprah didn't believe her either. But eventually, the laughter started in the audience, the mood lifted, the blame shifted and she won them over. Maybe she has worked it out. And I will probably read her new book. Though people may be wrestling their demons, they can still have wisdom to share. As we, being human, are all wrestling with something most of the time. My hope is that she will just be honest. I wanted her to look at Oprah and say...."I am still figuring it out". And congratulations on learning another lesson inside of that mess that was created. I am sorry you had to go through that.
Thanks again Rhonda,
Love to and for you,
Heidi
Anonymous
When I watched Starting Over and learned Iyanla had buried her only daughter, all bets were off. When someone looses there only child the emptiness is vast. How can anyone expect more when she barely had any to give. My daughter who is the light in my life, if I lost her and then went on national TV to work I don't know how well I would show up off camera. So for everyone who is lacking compassion.....not just saying the words "I have compassion for her pain but look at my pain." I invite you to think about your most praised, valued person, or business, something you have worked hard at making good and imagine it gone! VANISHED! Then ask yourself if you would be the most loving and compassionate person you can be?" When would you fall back on old behavior, the behavior you used to cope before you evolved as a person. Not the person you are today, then person you were ten, fifteen, twenty years ago, how would you show up and how would you hold on and to top it off give of yourself, when your well is dry? I personally couldn't do it. The pain would ache so deeply I wouldn't be able to function.
So I want everyone who expected perfection out of Iyanla to take a hard look at themselves and ask how would you cope if you lost the most valued part of your life?
Compassionate
Anonymous
Rhonda, thank you for revealing that situation and for sharing the insight you gained from it.
Regarding whether people asking about the RB/IV relationship is for curiosity/gossip sake and where is the lesson?:
The women on Starting Over were real women, and I, for one, saw myself in several of them. Their stories were my stories, and I received great insight by watching RB and IV work with them and share their expertise. We, or I should say, I care about them and how they've grown.
I think it's sometimes hard to remember that even RB and IV, with all of their wisdom and experience, aren't perfect and can have fear pop up from time to time. Even they struggle--just like the rest of us. But hearing RB's perspective, and how she was able to move past it, inspires me to continue to be willing to forgive. She practices what she preaches, and even though she has her moments sometimes too, she is able on get to her Wheel of Freedom. She really does live her work. Those are the lessons I am taking from this.
Anonymous
Thank you for letting us in to that portion of your world, Rhonda. I loved Starting Over and became very concerned about all of the women and what happened to them.
Would you be willing to share what happened with Rana, please?
Anonymous
I watched what happened on Oprah and I watched all those seasons of Starting Over with IV. Her presence on SO literally saved my life. Iyanla helped me see all the ways I was allowing abuse in my life and because of that I have made dramatic changes in my life that have lead to a kind of peace I never knew before.
Rhonda, I admire both of you but I wonder did you consider yourself her friend? Not if she was your friend but did you consider yourself her friend. To me if you consider yourself someone's friend you will stop at nothing to be that friend and be there for them especially when they don't know who they are in the most difficult times of their lives.
I don't think it's right Rhonda that you share these things with the public not having worked things out with Iyanla first. This principle is one of the things you yourself have preached on SO! People are so used to Iyanla being the rock that they forget she just human, she bleeds like everyone else. So, according to the teaching what do we do when we see someone bleeding? Add to the bloodletting? Or do we contribute to the healing?
Victor M.
Rhonda, your words were some of the most insightful I have ever read from you.... it is not easy to put into words recounting of personal hurt with such wisdom, grace and compassion...
for some, this is a good juicy bit of gossip and their focus will be on whether she was completely truthful in all her words... I say 'who cares?' ... that's on Iylana's integrity... that's her responsibility.... As Oprah said, apology accepted, no apology needed... Oprah had forgiven her long ago.... and as we've now read, so have you Rhonda..... for me, it's what can I learn from the exchange of words and ideas when unraveling tough journeys and misconceptions....
Iyanla is an incredible teacher, a truly positive force, in spite of and due to her flaws....her story is incredibly powerful... and I learned much from the words ..... some of the things she said I identify to very core of my being.... I see beyond her flaws and through any potential manipulation, I see her humanity even when she says something that she doesn't appear to fully believe or may be wrapping her heart around only as it comes out of her mouth for the first time....... because it represents us all, it represents our own fears, our own jagged journey of discovery, our own behavior in our inability to see when we're not fully true to ourselves....
when I watched Starting Over, I often wondered what happens when two of the greatest forces for good (as well as two large personalities) come together.... well, as much as the idealist in me wishes they had a great bond and walked together like Jesus and Moses, it brings me comfort to know that a mentor or teacher is not floating above the clouds riding on their superior insight and wisdom but continue to face unexpected situations just like the rest of us ....
Rhonda thanks for sharing... what an incredible learning experience...
ps- i have enjoyed reading everyone's perspective on this....
Bj Garnaus
Great job, RB!!!! I'm dancin' on the ceiling right now!!! I don't like Iyanla...never have...never will. I doubt she's changed, but she will surely do everything she can to make others think she has. She's full of bull$@#! It was easy to see that on Oprah. And I believe wholeheartedly that the reason you, Rhonda, have never gotten an apology from her is that you can't do anything for her. Oprah can (if she chooses to). She's out for herself. Period. I'm glad you finally spoke your truth. It's been a long time coming! And you did it with grace! Thank you!
Joy Elizabeth
Let's not forget the real MIRACLE ... God placed the two of together for a reason. I believe His reason was for you both to find compassion & healing in each other over your painful tragic losses ... as you, Rhonda, lost your mother, & Iyanla, her daughter. What better pair is their than a mirrored situation?
I love you both, loved your show together, & will continue to learn from each of you.
God bless ~ Joy Elizabeth
Anonymous
I know two separate people who have lost everything...including an only child. They didn't behave with abuse towards others. They weren't lead by their ego. And they didn't take it out on others. There is no excuse for the kind of behavior Iyanla laid on others.
kerry
rhonda u r always so eloquent in expressing yourself. I.ve not seen the show &i dont know the lady concerned at but knowing u i know what u say is how it was. xx
CocteauBoy
This was an honest and vulnerable recount. Thank you for sharing that, Rhonda. There are a lot of us in professions like these that can make a huge difference in the world of others, but then still have a lot of work to do on our own. Like the interior decorator who spends all of her time making other homes beautiful, and having a hard time getting around to beautifying their own. That being said, I really don't know that Iyanla has grown much. Her behavior and story-telling on Oprah weren't enough to cover what I saw as obvious desperation and pain slathered in pride and manipulation. And like someone else suggested here, I don't think Rhonda has received an apology because there is no opportunity in that for Iyanla. It seems that Iyanla sees apologies as investments, not as sincere attempts at comprehension and resolution. I wish her well and trust that she will eventually figure it out. We all do. Eventually.
Annie B
I am moved by both Rhonda's and Iyanla's truthful accounts about the past. Both are wise and generous teachers and both are human and flawed. I learn a lot when such brilliant people are willing to share their failures when it's almost inconceivable that such highly evolved people can find themselves in a mess. I learn a lot from "messy". So keep on sharing the good, the bad and the ugly (someone should use that for a movie title).
Chellie Campbell
Rhonda, this was a beautifully written and heartfelt piece. I know we all struggle from time to time with forgiveness when we've been hurt. I find I can more easily forgive those who have hurt me than those who have hurt people I love. I was there when you shared the agony of trying to work with Iyanla when she undermined you at every turn, made cutting remarks, tried to assume the lead position and put you down at every opportunity. I remember how you put all her bad behavior aside and tried to help her learn the show and gave her your organizing cards when she tried to wing it and failed. She never thanked you.
I'd be more likely to believe in Iyanla's change of heart if she had made her apology to you, and not Oprah, who obviously has a cable network and could give Iyanla a TV show. Even talking with Oprah, when Oprah said, "Do you think you had a big head?" her response was to say it wasn't her ego, but God wanted her to go through challenges for her learning. Please.
If she ever reaches out to you, Rhonda, and makes a true apology, my forgiveness of her can begin. Not until then. People can say what they like about that - maybe I'm not all that spiritual. Sometimes Demon Chellie pushes Saint Chellie aside. But I think we're supposed to be discriminating, and not fall for sharks in dolphin's clothing. What hurt my friend hurts me. And I require more proof of change than a self-serving apology on an Oprah segment.
Anonymous
Hearing all of this truly hurts my heart. I have been a fan of Starting Over since the very first episode. I have read IV's books as well as Rhonda's and have been so inspired. With the greatest respect I do not know that this is something that should have been shared so explicitly. It does take away a bit of my "awe" factor that I have for the show. I think that these are two incredible women that have changed, inspired so many women, so to hear this now after all these years is really disheartening. Looking back, I can put the pieces together because when RB was touring with Stan IV was not there. I just wish I hadn't heard all of this. I don't want RB work to do disrespected or not taken seriously because people are turning this blog into a "I hate so and so" page as was stated in a previous reply. I wish IV the best on her road to recovery and pray that the two of you Rhonda can get together and try to hash it out, but it is none of our business and I agree that whoever asked only did so for gossips sake. I really hope im wrong about that, but that is my perception. Again, everyone lets support Rhonda and her career. Lets not turn her page into a immature out-let as we do want to see her back on television doing what she does best. Peace and happiness to all. Rhonda, best wishes always!
Anonymous
This comment is very judgemental and makes you come off as self righteous. She is entitled to share her experiences. That's exactly what Oprah and Iyanla did on the show. Are you complaining about that??
Terry
I agree with Victor 100%--thanks for sharing :)
Beverly W
Rhonda,
I admire that you put yourself out there to write this blog. I was a fan of Starting Over and pretty sure i watched every episode. I was always drawn to you as you had a soft, loving demeanor, not harsh and forceful.
I cant help but believe that some of these "anonymous" reply comments arent the same person? IV? A relative? Many of them refer to the same thing..."this blog being referred to as gossip"..."why not go to IV personally"....."did you reach out to her"....etc....
I guess you can say i am skeptical...but it did cross my mind.
IV aired her story on tv for all to see....why wouldnt you be able to write you blog about your experience?
I know this blog must be a healing for you and helps to get it out. I am full support of you! I read it and felt genuine sincerety and honesty.
Gods blessings!
Beverly
Anonymous
I loved IV on starting over and I had forgotten about her until I saw Oprah. I kept thinking though, what are her motives? A show on OWN? I think its ironic that there are so many people who are "helping " people and they need help the most. remember the "stop the insanity" lady? She turned out to be a mess. I hope IV comes back to a good place, I think she is going to have to rebuild some trust though..She kept rehashing things that werent important over and over, I kept thinking ENOUGH!! Move on and be happy Oprah gave you two shows to do it..
Anonymous
Thank you for sharing.
Starting Over had me crying and taught me so much as I tuned in half way through the 1st episode. I tried not to miss an episode after that and followed until the end.
I can see the truth in what you have shared. Actually, while watching the episodes with Iyanla I felt uncomfortable many times. I felt some of her exercises were abusive to the women--like the one where she made the lady sit in mud while she spewed abusive words at her and when she made the lady drag around the puppet for days. I get the point of the exercises but at no time do I feel it is right for someone in authority to use verbal abuse on those in their care. I actually thought the episodes were cancelled because of her. I figured a bunch of life coaches complained that she was misrepresenting the profession.
Victor M.
thanks Terry... you have chosen wisely ;-)... lol
Susan
Well...we all have *egos,* don't we?! (And I don't mean ego in the same context that the word "egotistical" comes from, but rather more like Eckhart Tolle's -- that our egoic self is every bit of us that is not yet operating from spiritual wholeness/consciousness; our *elder* self, as contrasted with our *younger* ego self.) And from my experience and observation, the higher the wattage a human being carries, the bigger both realms can be, simultaneously...their truths and realities all interwoven together...
Dearest Rhonda, looks to me like you and beloved Iyanla drew yourselves onto one another's paths to hold some mighty juicy mirrors for one another's soulgrowth...ones whose dimensions delve deeply into some of your most vulnerable authentic feelings, conscious and unconscious... What an ingenious plan on both your parts! I honor each of you as the profoundly wise, courageous awakening pioneers you are, and I sense that this incredible journey you've undertaken has yet to bear its richest fruit... ;->
Abby
I am greatly surprised to hear of the problems between you and Ilyana. As a viewer of SO, I had assumed (mistakenly) that two such wise and compassionate guides would certain have an open, compassionate relationship with each other. In a way, finding that that it is not so, helps me somewhat to realize that my problems are not so rare or unforgiveable if even you go through similar feelings. It seems, not surprisingly, that you are farther along in dealing with this problem than I am with mine.
I have a "friend" who often treats me with the same attitude as Ilyana treated you. I am constantly put in situations with her. One difference is that between all her nasty comments and attacks, she acts like she really likes me and does kind things. I am working on the courage to confront her, but am surprised from what you said that you never mentioned going to Ilyana and trying to work out things with her.
As you said, you may not be on her radar. I do not know if the person who treats me so rudely knows or admits she to herself that she is doing so. I admire you, Rhonda, for not being a victim, as I sometimes feel. That takes great strength.
Thanks for being so open and helping me to consider the option that I am not totally emotionally incompetent as I have to learn to deal with this type of behavior from others towards me.
Jamie
Proverbs 16:28.
The major lesson I received from Fearless Living material is seeing innocence. Not only my own...also others. It has taught me tons. Taught me huge lessons in the FLI community, my work place, my health journey, and basically my life in every aspect. I see the innocence in the little girls involved and their desire to have a “core need” met. Asking for and not asking for what they needed. Human.
Also, it is none of my business what happen between Oprah and Iyanla as well as between yourself and Iyanla. Hence why I chose not to read this entire post. I pray any healing that comes to all parties will come to those lives in the exact moment the healing is to arrive. Believing fully in the truth that is to be revealed!
Blessings always!
Jamie
Anonymous
Reading Rhonda's word's about the inside SO, I hear among other things Rhonda desiring an apology from Iyalana. My question to you Rhonda is how many people have come through your workshops and you scream at them using the excuse you were "hard on them". It seems to me if you want an apology from someone it is time to clean up your past by going back and apologizing for your shot comings. I believe we create our experience, and when something doesn't go the way I want then it is a time for me to check in where I have subjected another to my old dysfunctional behavior. My hope is you read this with the love I feel for you.
alwaysanavywife-2004
GRIEF IS COMPLICATED
So read Tear Soup for further understanding.
"When you help another you heal yourself".
Lynne
Dear Rhonda,
I think it was quite elegant of you not to share this right away (in tabloids) and bring out the truth when it was necessary. I believe your approach is just another valuable lesson...well, I think there was many more in there too!
Thanks for sharing! Honesty, is the best policy, especially as you shared it in regards to your feelings and without judgement!
Anonymous
Thanks for posting this. This is something we all struggle with. As we try to rise above our insecurities, fears, petty rivalries and such, betrayals, large and small, chip away at us. Forgiveness is hard work. It's an ongoing process. Rhonda, I so appreciate hearing your open, honest thoughts on this subject because it is a thought process I believe we are all familiar with. Being hurt by someone sucks. Trying to rise above it can be so so difficult. But without you opening up, we go through this process alone. All the comments posted here, positive and negative, mirror the same thought process I think many of us go through when dealing with these issues, too. There is never a right or wrong answer in any of this, just many perspectives, but in the end, you have to come to peace with standing by your values and your actions and comfortable that some things rest not in the black and white, but firmly in the gray.
Anonymous
I was always curious about your relationship with Iylana. I remember watching episodes of starting over and thinking that these people do not get along. Many times I remember rewinding episodes to see Iylana rolling her eyes at you. I also noticed many looks of disgust coming from Iylana and having to rewind the tape because I could not believe my eyes. Its unfortunate that had to happen to you. Its good that you were able to forgive her and use it as a catalyst for your growth. Also listening to Iylana on Oprah puts a context to her behavior and gives me some compassion for her. At any rate you both helped lots of people and your kindness and compassion always shone through. What always impressed me about you was that you were just as warm and authentic in person that you were on the show. Unfortunately that was not always the case with Iylana.
Anonymous
someone else wrote:
"I don't think it's right Rhonda that you share these things with the public not having worked things out with Iyanla first. This principle is one of the things you yourself have preached on SO! People are so used to Iyanla being the rock that they forget she just human, she bleeds like everyone else. So, according to the teaching what do we do when we see someone bleeding? Add to the bloodletting? Or do we contribute to the healing?"
I have to agree.
I also read someone wrote that maybe Rhonda should work these things out before taking a public platform. I have to agree.
It looks to me as if Iyanla is trying to heal her life after such devastation. I cannot imagine this could help in anyway. I tell my children all the time - just because someone treats you badly, that does not give you the right to treat them badly - it will only make you feel worse.
I am a counselor - my life has fallen down around me more than once. I have lashed out more than once. I am grateful that it was not around you. Rhonda, this is not loving. This is not forgiving. This is a very poor example to those who look up to you.
I think you have a lot to work out on your own Rhonda and I am wishing for you all the healing you need in order to do that.
Anonymous
I did not see the Oprah show -
having just read Rhondas blog about her experience with Iyanla I have to say - thank you Rhonda - thank you for sharing this personal experience with so many of us "out here".
By now, we all know about painful feelngs and incredibly difficult life challanges - but it seems like there are few people who will actually share as broadly and openly as Rhonda has.........people typically keep this information private - and its a secret that is shared only with their therapist. Sharing can be scary - but secrets can be even scarier. I appreciate it if/when people divulge their seemingly personal feelings..........yes we do have to be selective about who we share with - and as long as our sharings stay constructive as was Rhondas' and its not a form of "gossip" then I say Bravo and Brave-o Rhonda!! Thank you!
when someones career is in the publics eye - ie politician, actor, astronaut, religious commuity leader etc.... then (putting aside fabrications in the gossip tabloids and "drama mamas" ) public sharing goes with the territory.........its helpful to us and hopefully somewhat healing for Rhonda.
Cynthia*in*MN
Rhonda: I loved STARTING OVER and learned so much from you & Iyanla and the participants. It makes my heart hurt to know that there were difficulties between the two of you. . . I think Iyanla's world was spinning out of control and so she needed to control the show to save herself from the quicksand pit she was sliding into. I think also that the nasty (unhealthy) side of Ego sometimes steps in to protect what--in truth--is a person who is feeling lost, like a fraud, or who has come to believe they ARE whatever the "hype" is all about. Fame can really mess people up. I am glad that you are able to acknowledge the things you learned from your time with her. I can feel how hurt you are about the way things played out--but you helped so many women to make magnificent changes in their lives and for that, you should feel very, very fulfilled.
Anonymous
I thought SO was one of the best shows ever on TV and my husband and I were so disappointed when it went off the air. I was only able to watch some of the Oprah show when Iyanla was on it, but I was surprised that she seemed so unhinged. Sometimes the way we present ourselves in public is not who we really are and so I guess that was the case with her. If you have not worked things out with her, there are probably things that only the two of you know. Maybe it has been impossible for you and maybe you share the same problem of public image as she has. Nevertheless, SO did seem to help a lot of women and it could be wonderful if the behind the scenes moments were just as loving as the show tried to be. Money too, can get in the way with being authentic. So I have to wonder if that perspective is being observed.
Anonymous
I thought SO was one of the best shows ever on TV and my husband and I were so disappointed when it went off the air. I was only able to watch some of the Oprah show when Iyanla was on it, but I was surprised that she seemed so unhinged. Sometimes the way we present ourselves in public is not who we really are and so I guess that was the case with her. If you have not worked things out with her, there are probably things that only the two of you know. Maybe it has been impossible for you and maybe you share the same problem of public image as she has. Nevertheless, SO did seem to help a lot of women and it could be wonderful if the behind the scenes moments were just as loving as the show tried to be. Money too, can get in the way with being authentic. So I have to wonder if that perspective is being observed.
Kim of Atlanta
On behalf of Mrs.V -- she was and still is a big girl now!!
Stop "player hating"
Get a life.
Shari
I wondered what had happened and why SO ended so quickly. I had no idea why it had not continued, and I was sad when the show didn't return. I learned so much from both of you and I'm certain that I was not the only one to have found both yourself and Iyanla as inspirational as I had. I think the show was a wonderful idea and I'm happy to see you working to begin something similar, Rhonda! I hope that one day you and Iyanla both will find the peace and love in each other that you are able to see in those you help. Everything happens for a reason, and I believe that in helping each other, you will both grow to be even more exceptional. (((HUGS)))
I was so inspired by both of you that when the opportunity for my own transformation came, I transformed my life, and have since become a coach myself, focusing on relationships. At one time I would have loved the opportunity to work with you to 'start over', however, I have been coached by another wonderful and enlightened woman from a neighboring town and I have come to a wonderful place of peace and understanding. It's still nice to have others to share this like-minded understanding with. I've been fortunate to have transformed with my husband by my side, and transforming himself right along with me. I believe we were able to grow much more quickly having each other to share the journey with. It's been a very eye opening experience that we both share with anyone who would like to listen. I just would like to say, "Thank You, Rhonda. I appreciate the person you are and all the good you offer from all you've learned through your experiences."
With Love, Shari
ozzy
Like Iyanla always said, "line up your behavior with what you say you want"
Myra
I agree with Shari. How could such a positive, life-changing series end after 3 seasons? With all the voyeuristic, self-indulgent junk on tv nowadays, this show truly helped all of us recover and walk in our truth. I'm still a work in progress, with a difficult health problem that has popped up the last couple of years, but I continue to read, pray, and laugh!
Enbracing the light always,
Myra
Anonymous
Scared, lost, and hopeful, I showed up so timid and late because of work and travel.
Andy swooped in with ESP and a smile and quickly ushered me to a seat at that Seattle meeting last year.
I fought tears of joy as I sat there and listened to the two of you. I learned, bought tools, had pics taken (thank you), and literally breathed it all in. So lucky, your participants are.
When I saw Iyanla on Oprah, I was saddened by how taken in I as by her on starting over. I thought her lessons for the gals more cruel than yours, but never had a glimpse of her not being genuine until the Oprah interview.
Carry on with your 24kt integrity. We all see it and love it!
Anonymous
Scared, lost, and hopeful, I showed up so timid and late because of work and travel.
Andy swooped in with ESP and a smile and quickly ushered me to a seat at that Seattle meeting last year. I was so near running. She is more than I saw on SO.
I fought tears of joy as I sat there and listened to the two of you. I learned, bought tools, had pics taken (thank you), and literally breathed it all in. So lucky, your participants are.
When I saw Iyanla on Oprah, I was saddened by how taken in I as by her on starting over. I thought her lessons for the gals more cruel than yours, but never had a glimpse of her not being genuine until the Oprah interview.
Carry on with your 24kt integrity. We all see it and love it!
Anonymous
Scared, lost, and hopeful, I showed up so timid and late because of work and travel.
Andy swooped in with ESP and a smile and quickly ushered me to a seat at that Seattle meeting last year. I was so near running. She is more than I saw on SO.
I fought tears of joy as I sat there and listened to the two of you. I learned, bought tools, had pics taken (thank you), and literally breathed it all in. So lucky, your participants are.
When I saw Iyanla on Oprah, I was saddened by how taken in I as by her on starting over. I thought her lessons for the gals more cruel than yours, but never had a glimpse of her not being genuine until the Oprah interview.
Carry on with your 24kt integrity. We all see it and love it!
Anonymous
I would have more respect for Iyanla's apology to Oprah if she was there purely to apologize and explain her perspective. That wasn't the case. She was also promoting her new book. It seemed very opportunistic to me and not entirely genuine.
While I respected the work Iyanla did on Oprah, and was excited to see her join SO, I didn't really appreciate her new role on the show. There were times when she seemed more angry than loving. It was s different vibe. Knowing now what was going on in her life at the time, it all makes sense.
But it makes me wonder if her call to Rhonda was purely to assist the women of SO, or to keep the cameras focused on herself. And I wonder if her behavior contributed to the decision to cancel the show.
MDMHM
From attending Fearless Living events after SO ended. The network dictacted how SO was edited, more & more for ratings then to show the actual work the women were doing. Rhonda wanted more control over the editing decisions, which I agree. In the end, she left instead of bowing to the network. Rhonda's name & face is what people see when watching SO not the network execs.
Dawn
Let's not forget that Oprah invited Iyanla on because of her book. And that broke the ice for "the conversation".
Sista K
Wow! This is the first time I'm getting back into the loop with Rhonda. I haven't seen the show with Iyanla & Oprah, but have read the above from Rhonda.
I did so love Iyanla on Starting Over - a show that my overnight shift partner & myself would tape and watch as part of our break time on shift. My shift partner & I did read one of Iyanla's books as well & felt inspired from it. That was a good thing.
I do agree that even though we are hurting units within ourselves, we can still offer much support to others. This I know from first hand experience throughout my life - often making time to support & be a blessing to others, but denying myself the same kindness often.
I do know what it is like to have a close friend who can unleash horribly hurtful behaviour in my direction - that has little to do with me, but more what has happened in her life and how it has molded her to this point - so for this, I certainly understand what Rhonda may have experienced throughout her time with Iyanla on Starting Over. What I have needed to do with the experience - and still do - is to digest it, pray on it and let it go. What makes it difficult is when it continues to happen and feeling if I had to turn any more of my four cheeks, I might just as well be stuck in a revolving door. In the end, God always seems to provide me the tools I need to continue the friendship and break from it when times call for it, so that I can continue to love my friend and understand her pains & fears. God always seems to reward me with times to approach my friend, when she is feeling less combattive, and come to some kind of understanding. There is much that she will not be able to be approached with. However, that is not about me, but about what has happened in her life and prayers for her continue.
When things become too frustrating for me or too painful and I find that it is affecting my own behaviour to the detriment of my authentic self and spilling out onto others, I've been able to take a step back. It does not feel right for me - and I know it's time to make a change. The question I ask myself is "How can I be a blessing to this person?" When I take this approach, God relieves me of my pains & fears & frustrations and offers me blessings & joys to bestow on the people involved. For this, I am so grateful and humbled and feel so very blessed myself. Praise Him!
Angel's wings wrapped tightly around everyone with Love & Peace!!
Blessings to All!!
Sista K.
oxo
AnonymouslyMeVitaminC
Rhonda Rhonda Rhonda, Why Why Why!!!!!
1) Why would you take it as a personal attack if you know she was going through something that was out of her control. Your self esteem should have stayed right where it was at. You was there first. What were you afraid of?
2)Why did you expect her to be a certain way, if you never met her except for over the phone. The ultimate no-no for internet dating.
3)The way people handle business isn't seen until they are in action, so what was your expectation. Some people handle business utilizing different strategies.
4) You are a life coach. I respected you very much, even when you were really hard on the women. Aren't you acting like one of them now. Are you saying you needed a little bit of life coaching yourself, and did you reach out?
5)You are not perfect and neither is she.
In Summary
I watched the show when it first started and was a great big fan. I was on the website and Myspace with the members. This show and all of the life coaches really helped me and was very grateful for it. I did notice something was emotionally different playing out on the show that involved you but I couldnt put my finger on it.
I believe your above statement is TMI; too much information and by lowering your standards, you just made yourself just one of those women on the show who needed help, instead of the life coach who helped change many lives including mine. You just changed your Life Coach legacy of this show for me and I am so very disappointed. SMH!!!!
A fan of the Show